Feelings and Emotions

We want Svea to be able to recognize her feelings, and to also be in control of her emotions. These are hard things to teach a one year old. This is what we do:

Well, what we don't do is tell Svea how she's feeling. I hate when people do that to me, and it's just silly to tell someone else how they feel. We don't say things like, "There's nothing to be scared of," if she is scared, there is something to be scared of. Instead, we want to acknowledge her feelings, then try to make her feel better if she's scared. If she's whining and disobeying, her feelings aren't considered, but if she's truly sad or scared, we talk all about it.

For the past week or so, I've been trying something new with Svea. When she is sad or upset, possibly crying, I tell her I know what it's like to feel sad, and I validate her feelings and let her know it's ok to feel them, and then we brainstorm about some things that make her happy. It works. I ask her, "Do Grandpas make you happy?" "Do bubble baths make you happy?" "Does Bunny make you happy?" She pulls herself out of the rut by thinking these happy thoughts. She starts to get super smiley and excited to think of more happy things. She tries to answer me fully, "Grandpas....happy," but sometimes she does says, "Do."

Svea has a different technique for calming herself down from being fussy and cranky. When she is whining and fussing, I tell her, "Svea, be still," or "Svea, no fussing." If she continues to fuss or disobey, she is disciplined. But if she tries to calm herself, she says, "Good," and claps her hands. Most of the time, she is saying, "Good," through her crying. After a few "good"s, she is over whatever it was and is moving on. She also uses this "Good" technique when she's practicing physical restraint, and when obeying us. For example, if I tell her not to touch the super shiny awesome thing that is totally within reach, she'll do one of two things: Touch it anyway, which she is immediately disciplined for, or not touch it and tell herself, "Good."

She didn't learn this technique overnight. About 6 months ago, when Svea would get frustrated with herself or with us or something she might have thought is unfair, she would say, "Bop!" then go in for the bite. I always guessed that Bop meant Stop, and she would go to bite anything that was close to her mouth, her toy, her sleeve, my leg, whatever. We were totally surprised when she started doing this. She had never seen us react like that, where did she learn it; how embarrassing. I've read my share of parenting books, but I don't remember reading about what to do when your 13 month old yells at you and bites you when they get frustrated. I wasn't going to get mad at her for getting mad, that's ridiculous. So, I did what felt natural; I told her I know how she feels, but when she feels like that, she can come to me and say, "Mom, I feel frustrated," and I'd try and help her. Whether or not she understood what I was saying, she'd listened to me, she'd begin to calm down, and as she calmed down I'd say, "Good. Good. Good. Good...." until she was still. I'd guess she went through that for a couple of months, but now, she is a pro and gaining and regaining control over herself.

Mister Rogers was onto something. Mister Rogers, have you heard of him? Children love him, he knew how to talk to them, and he was a great teacher. I love his approach to Whole Learning. Here are some Fred Rogers song lyrics regarding feelings and learning self-control:

 

What Do You Do?
What do you do with the mad that you feel
When you feel so mad you could bite?
When the whole wide world seems oh, so wrong...
And nothing you do seems very right?

What do you do? Do you punch a bag?
Do you pound some clay or some dough?
Do you round up friends for a game of tag?
Or see how fast you go?

It's great to be able to stop
When you've planned a thing that's wrong,
And be able to do something else instead
And think this song:

I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish.
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
For a girl can be someday a woman
And a boy can be someday a man.